"I'm always angry." So says Mark Ruffalo's Hulk in The Avengers, as he transforms from Bruce Banner to Hulk. Even before Mark Ruffalo uttered these words in the movie, I loved his portrayal of Hulk. This Hulk was much better than the previous two versions although I have to admit the statement clinched the deal. Like Hulk, I am also always angry, but unlike him, I have not mastered my anger. I have not learned how to channel my energy into fighting the villains when I want to fight. And hence my transition to the green monster comes at the most inopportune moments.
I have a mask which hides the rage seething inside me, and it is my smile. Often the smile on my face betrays the inner turmoil, and this mask came very late in my life. One of my schoolmates couldn't take his eyes off one the photos on the social media in which I was smiling from ear to ear. After struggling for a while, he remarked. "I remember you as an unhappy person, a frowning kid and not a smiling kid." It was a difficult question, but I had an answer for him. Another smile. At present, I have mastered how to cover things up flawlessly with a smile.
Often the victims of my anger are the close ones, My mother, my sister, my wife, and my kids. In the same order as stated which incidentally is also the order in which I came into contact with them. Wisdom says it is wrong to take your anger out on innocent bystanders but the immediate payoff, as a result of venting, is indescribable. Where is time for logic when there is instant gratification? On rare occasions, there are others who bore the brunt of my anger.
Last week, I was so angry at a colleague who was teaching me work-life balance. According to me, he has ignored everything and left me to mop up the carnage. So, he didn't have any right to lecture. When the exchange started, it was cordial and layered. Very soon, the communication became direct and blaming. As we exchanged more emails, I was consumed with hatred filled rage.
As a consequence, I couldn't sleep and sat in front of the computer staring at the emails. I dug through the emails, started many new threads until the sun rose. It didn't matter that the world was sleeping. I kept writing. I was not in a mood to forgive or forget.
The next day, another colleague approached me. He was amazed at my energy. He asked. How could you stay awake all night and provide suggestions? I was taken aback by this question. I thought for a while and replied. Fill yourself with rage, and you don't need any drugs to stay awake.
Photo Courtesy: murplejane
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